I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
