The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
