last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
