I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
