I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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