Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
whose parrot is this?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
