i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
