I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
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