Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
