Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
