o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
