I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
