she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
