I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
