D3 body, D1 cock
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
