On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
