Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
