You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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