I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
