Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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