i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
