I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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