I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
