Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
pop tarts are not kleenex
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
