you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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