he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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