Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
