You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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