Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
