Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Randomize
