i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
