I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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