Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Randomize
