Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
