I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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