I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
