The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
