I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
