i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
