Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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