Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
