My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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