So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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