Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
