I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
