I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
