I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
