I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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