There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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