you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize