Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
