You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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