He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Bring me that man meat
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
All I want is dick and wine.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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