You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize