You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
